“Para solucionar nuestros problemas, decreto capuskicapubul”
Nicolás Maduro is already late giving his state-of-the-union address to the National Assembly. (Cliff notes version: the state of our union is the pits, but it’s all the opposition’s fault).
Today we learn that the address, scheduled for tomorrow, has been suspended.
Here are the top ten reasons why Maduro is not gonna show up:
10.- Jet lag
9. Chikungunya
8. He’s standing in line for toilet paper
7. He’s selling toilet paper he brought back from Iran
6. He’s filling out his Cadivi form, as well as the forms for his extended family, and his Internet connection is slooooow
5. He’s had to change the entire speech after Iran, of all countries, has said there will be no emergency OPEC meeting
4. No gas, and he’s too lazy to walk
3. After spending two weeks in a Cuban airplane, he needs to get his Venezuelan accent back
2. It’s just not the same without Maria Corina in the crowd
And the number one reason Maduro is not gonna show
1. He has no answers, no political capital, and no viable solutions to the current mess.
Caracas Chronicles 
Good one Juan,
I would also add, #1 Does not legitimately feel he has to be accountable to anyone!
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no creo que lleven ninguna cuenta como para rendirlas.
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“3. After spending two weeks in a Cuban airplane, he needs to get his Venezuelan accent back”
Broke a rib laughing at this, because it’s true. Maduro always shifts his accent towards “Havanese” whenever he spends more than a day overseas.
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Oyemisangue…
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Fidel and Raul have not had time to approve the speech.
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You know that dream people have of showing up at school and having one of your friends tell you that there’s a final exam that you didn’t know of? That feeling of despair, of being out of place, of desperation that wakes you in the middle of night… I guarantee that’s how this guy feels when the entourage is gone and the cameras are off. It can’t be fun.
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I don’t think so, those people are not people like us.
If you want to understand them better, there’s a good book called “Political Ponerology (A Science on the Nature of Evil Adjusted for Political Purposes)” by Andrew M. Lobaczewski.
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I have absolutely no sympathy for the horse’s ass. And that’s being kind. When he was on his Mary Poppins Goodwill Tour — and can’t remember what country — he had the audacity to threaten an election win. I was dumbfounded; couldn’t believe his gall and the inappropriateness of the comment while thousands upon thousands lined the street to get their ration.
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Showing up at school…? Does he know what that is?
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I see Juan is channelling his inner Chigüire
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#11. They need to cash some bolichico checks but didn’t realize monday was a bank holiday in the US
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#12. He has locked himself in the bathroom and is refusing to come out.
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Or someone has him locked in the bathroom and is making demands.
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Or he’s locked in the bathroom because he has diarrhea from all the strange food.
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#13..he is hoping for a coup attempt so he can declare martial law and do away with the last vestiges of democracy, including the silly requirement of a state of the union address
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Well, there are some time tested excuses for him to give:
– I left my speech in Iran/Russia/China
– Yaco ate my speech
– I though I was meant to give the speech next week
– Didn’t you get my email with the speech? That’s weird, I totally sent it on time
– I wrote my speech, but now I can’t find it.
– I couldn’t write my speech, because I was out of town
– I couldn’t write my speech, because there was too much turbulence on the plane
– I didn’t write my speech because I forgot
– You never told me to write any speech for today.
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You’re about 5 years late on the cracked.com trend.
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#14 He’s reported to have boarded a special Cubana jet for a flight back to Moscow. He apparently told close associates that he left his ‘beloved’ tri-colored scarf in the transit lounge at Vnukovo Airport. Rumors are swirling, however, that the apartment just below Eric Snowden’s is being redecorated in Bolivarian decor.
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Oooh! Oooh! I wanna try one!
#15. Too busy trying to get the tricolor scarf to take off at Milan Men’s Fashion Week (
yes, that’s a real thing but please don’t ask how I know) in the hopes that production and export will replace depressed oil revenues.
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He’s busy playing Words with Tyrants.
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#16. Lockjaw. Paralysis set in after forcing a mega-watt smile with eyes barely opened, on Putin, only to repeat the acting from the driver’s seat of the bus in Caracas.
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Am guessing Cabello told him he was not welcome (realizing he did not want to publically attach the congress with Maduro).
Could you imagine the choice… Support Maduro during the speech and look like an arse, or don’t support Maduro and hasten his downfall…tough one…
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That prosecutor in Buenos Aires was editing Maduro’s speech but now it’s gone
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He’s busy mining bitcoins to balance the gov’t budget
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It just occurred to me… The Opposition (MUD) has not been able to come up with even a catchy slogan, and you want a whole narrative?
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The slogan is in the streets, in the lines, in the scarcity of everything, even scarcity of a country. Besides, the MUD is only another piece of the political opposition and really patriotic people do not vote for slogans; therefore your point is dull.
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Or he is brewing yet another evil plan. Sicad 3? Tax-rise? Prohibiting media to publish anything but fairytales?
“All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others”
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