The Week in Bullets

Fake it until you make it? Nah

We went all crazy on Monday when once again the government announced there was going to be a minister rotation. The ministers put their positions at Maduro’s disposal and nothing happened. A symbolic gesture perhaps to catch everybody offguard as they announced some pretty disturbing news.

And the boy cried when the wolf finally bit him

During a nationwide broadcast, that which people thought would address the Minister swap, President Maduro announced the new policy that will allow them to squander contraband —remember the War on Contraband is the new not so admirable campaign of the Government—: A state of the art biometric system that will limit the items a single costumer buys at the supermarket. While shopping at a given establishment the obedient citizen must place his/her finger in a captahuella. Then, the system will say if this person hasn’t depleted his/her weekly rations. Yep, rations. As in rationing. It’s finally here. The Maduro rationing food rationing system is a techie version of the Cuban ration card.

This is the second attempt —this year— to implement a rationing system. The first one targeted state owned supermarkets, and in the end it was a way to obtain subsidized products. It didn’t fly. Maduro could not explain much as to how the biometric system would work but promised it would be in place in every supermarket by December.

The other day, some lady stuffed a couple of cocaine patties where her breast implants should have gone. There’s just no limit at what us Venezuelans could come up with, to go around this biometric system thing. Fingers a la carte? Perhaps. The Bello Monte Morgue is stuffed with those. Exaggerated?

Juan the Ripper

Pieces of another hacked person where found in Maracay. The body parts were scattered on a hill and there is no information as to the vic’s identity. Since late 2013 fifteen people have been butchered —in the most literal manner you can imagine— in the country.

In our last recap we told the story of a mysterious lady torso that appeared in downtown Caracas. Well, the arms and legs finally turned up in El Avila National Park. No head yet though. This new wave of violent murders goes beyond cruelty, we are deep in psychotic territory. Last week a man was found hanging from his neck on a tree in front of CCT (one of Caracas most traditional malls), displayed beside Francisco Fajardo (Caracas’ most transited highway).       

Other creepy news? A dime a dozen. On Thursday a 22 year old murdered his sisters while he was being subject to an exorcism. The women believed their little brother was possessed by the devil.

Any wonder as to why Venezuelans feel unsafest in the world?

Reculenomics

There has been talk that Ramirez’s “pragmatic” policies have been dumped once again since they don’t provide immediate-snap-your-fingers results. And yes, the implementation of the rationing system reminds us more of a Giordani style approach to scarcity, and mid week Ramírez said Venezuela could not implement a unitary exchange rate —as promised— and that it was likely that by the end of the year we will be between two official exchange rates. I guess that by December Maduro will be able to say: “See? I told you the 6.30 Bolivarian rate would hold.” 

Meanwhile, the Monk has disappeared. No one has seen him in weeks, although many swear to have spotted his ghost lurking the halls of Miraflores, the Central Bank, and PDVSA. By striking him down it seems he became more powerful than we could have ever imagined.

Start spreading the news…

During the last events at Tower of David, the government said many times they don’t evict people. That’s a capitalist practice. The Revolution relocates. It seem this is what happened with Chavez’s favorite daughter, María Gabriela, who was relocated from La Casona to New York City, after her appointment as alternate ambassador at the UN. Bloomberg View posted a fun piece on the subject.

The end of the Gaza conflict

After announcing the new biometric system thing, Maduro went on to say they would bring 1000 palestinian kids that were to be fed, clothed, and educated by the Bolivarian Revolution, before sending them back to Palestine. 1000 Palestinian kids infected with inept Bolivarianism. You can kiss that Gaza strip goodbye.

And on related news, in the search for new business partners, the National Assembly just approved the Treaty to Avoid double Taxation with the State of Palestine. (Gaceta Oficial – August 21st 2014)

A shout out to Yordano

In a recent interview, Ombudsperson Gabriela del Mar Ramirez, said that the hospitals’ request to declare the Venezuelan health system at emergency was disproportionate (disproportionate, like the excessive use of brute force in repressing the student protests). Well, as karma follows closely each word Gabriela del Mar spews, a couple of days later, beloved Venezuelan singer-songwriter Yordano revealed to Ismael Cala on CNN that he has been struggling to find the necessary drugs for his cancer treatment. Yes, Yordano is sick. And yes, when one of the country’s most important musicians requires the aid of strangers to find his medicine, we can say the health system can be declared on emergency.

Here is the clip to Yordano’s heartbreaking interview.

Get well soon, man.