Trolling the World Cup, TVes Style

/ May 27, 2014

Still haven’t caught the fútbol bug? Here is the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela’s answer to all those schnazzy capitalist World Cup promos, courtesy of the genius and overfunded producers over at Televisión Venezolana Social (TVes), who, by the way, are celebrating today seven years since RCTV went off the air.

It is hard to comment on this visionary musical extravaganza (although Chiguire Bipolar did an excellent job), so I’ve just decided to let its poetry speak for itself, by giving you the GoogleTranslate version of the lyrics.

A dream that comes to invade the world
Nostalgia, passions for campiones
The sky will turn the world cup
My heart is life to win
Now the party’s Brazil comprises
Everyone in the stadium with excitement
They are two rivals for being champion.
TVES always feels global
TVES 2014 Brazil Goal!
TVES in world
Venezuela.
Get the party started football is party
The audience screams desire burst
You, You, and you playing football this month smiles with you
Everyone raise your hand
Supporting your dream team
Your flag up my brother
They are 90 minutes fighting
A battle of World Cup Football
Being first on the list
Commentators, narrators always talking to the top
Your dream is a challenge and you have to fight
wins, losses reach your dream.

Don’t miss the celebrity cameos, including Roberto Antonio’s man-boobs, chavista cougar Gigi Zanchetta doing her very best I’m-still-relevant-and-sexy-face in uniform, Winston Vallenilla with Chavez’s eyes (literally) on his back, and Diosdado’s pop-star sensation daughter, Daniela Cabello. A veritable galaxy of stars. Also, there are clowns on the pitch.

There is a beautiful expression in spanish, pena ajena, which means “embarrassment that is not yours.” If you can get through all four minutes of this monumental waste of our oil revenue without feeling it, or without your eyes and ears bleeding at the same time, then you, my friend, must seek medical attention.

And if you STILL can’t get enough State-sponsored World Cup entertainment, and are itching to delve deeper into the artistic process, TVes was nice enough to document the entire production of this video through a SIX-PART REALITY SHOW, available here. For free.  

Sorry, FIFA.

 

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30 thoughts on “Trolling the World Cup, TVes Style”

  1. I’d like to teach the world to scream and kick it in the nuts,
    Tie it upside down and slap it around in perfect harmony.
    Grow horny bees and rational trees and snapping turtle doves…    .

    I hate dis kinda stuff.

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  2. Survived 35 seconds before hitting the mute button and only 1 minute 33 seconds before changing the page. Think I’II need at least a full Stanley Cup playoff game tonight to recover, hopefully with one or two extra periods!

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  3. Oh wow, who said there wasn’t any talent in chavista broadcasting?

    By the way, Winston may have lost in Baruta, but he won himself a nice cardboard World Cup. I hope he was able to get the glitter out of his fingers after touching that thing.

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  4. There was some speculation online that Diosdado’s daughter is one of the perpetrators of this monstruousity. Is it the garish harlot on 2:03?!?

    the horror…the horror…

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  6. “And if you STILL can’t get enough State-sponsored World Cup entertainment, and are itching to delve deeper into the artistic process, TVes was nice enough to document the entire production of this video through a SIX-PART REALITY SHOW, available here. For free.”

    Kill me please

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  7. That was amazing in a car crash pescuezeo kind of way. You want to puke but you can’t stop watching either.

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  8. I wouldn’t be surprised if SEBIN or the Guardia Nacional uses that video to force a confession from any protester.

    It is incredible what abominable means evil people can use to reach their goals.

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  9. “TVES always feels global
    TVES 2014 Brazil Goal!
    TVES in world”
    …Are they implying that the fact that TVES will be covering FIFA matches should be seen as the next best thing going for us, since we failed to qualify to the World Cup?
    I once saw a few minutes of one of the matches of the last Cup on TVES, since sadly, my shitty cable reception was making Venevision and Meridiano too blurry. The troglodyte commentators of TVES began speaking of Germany’s capitalist holocaust in the middle of the match, since Germany was one of the playing teams. Watching the rest of the match in blurry reception proved to be much more bearable.

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  12. Its certainly an aesthetically challenging piece, not something that caters to ordinary tastes , it helps if you half close your eyes and turn the volume off. (the lyrics are indigestible ) , a bit of raw bufoonery can be tolerable but not if it goes on and on .!! I managed to get half way , then gave up !! a prize for those who had the fortitude to take it to the end !! Why are govt advertisements so bad !!

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  13. At first I thought this would be something that Wendy Sulca or la Tigresa would do with Shakira’s World Cup song, but then I realized it’s much more similar to another genre of Latin Youtube songs: Chip Torres. The rhythm, the “spoken singsong”, the use of oh-oh-wo-oh-ohhh and the type of play on words reminded me a lot of his two hits: “te voy a dar un byte” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDVORKo8rYs) and “tú me pixeleas” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WniL0xrH-JQ). So yes, Venezuelans are paying for musical productions comparable to that of a Mexican computer salesguy with too much time and technology on his hands.

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  14. I have always said a DirecTV subscription is mandatory for keeping sanity in Venezuela. This proves my point.

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  15. Coño de la que se salvó Roque. Hubiera quedado fino tapándose la cara cuando le hiciesen un pase, o enredándose con el balón y cayéndose.

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  17. OT but not so OT: did you know that apparently general Cruz Weffer’s son called for the assassination of lady Daniella (Diosdado’s daughter)? He was put in jail last February.

    For those of you who don’t know: Cruz Weffer was one of Chávez’s friends and the main responsible for the disappearance of over 150 million dollars in the Plan Bolívar 2000 project. Trial against him have been postponed time after time. Last year Cruz Weffer had been again accused of corruption after another court said he wasn’t guilty. I wonder if Cruz Junior said that about Daniella because Daniella’s father is not going through what old Cruz is going through.
    I wonder if this Daniella could sing us a song or two about all this…just kidding, just kidding

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    • I knew of the incident, but I didn’t know it was Cruz Weffer’s son. They had a whole PR stunt of her forgiving him.

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  18. Similar to of the kinds of songs heard In Trinidad, carnival time (Soca music)
    , designed for the kind of dancing “one” does on carnival streets.An invitation for the caribbean people to unite,You can make a life long friend of a soul from Trinidad if you remember ” Nany Wine”…wake up folks …this is propaganda, and I hardly see that is any worse than the horrible and hideous ” snazzy ones” The Soca music is better in context.

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  19. Que ordinario.

    And did anyone else notice that everyone seems to be overweight??. They could have at least bought them shirts that didn’t show off their beer bellies….

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  20. I think it’s was a mistake the fact that the Chavistas didn’t use their political hegemony and former high popularity to erradicate a yankee sport like baseball from Venezuela for once and for all. If I were a chavista with powers inside the nomenklatura, the first thing I would have done was to ban this gringo sport for ever! I have been waiting for the Chavistas to do something like that for years, but they have always disappointed me, and to make things worse it seems that these pro-yankee chavistas traitors are actually passionate about baseball. Chávez himself betrayed Venezuela by proclaiming his love for this gringo sport.

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  21. I’m trying very hard to apply what I just learned in my favorite MOOC “Thinking101, the Science of Everyday Thinking” by Edx.org ( highly reccommended) and see this horrid piece of propaganda through the situation in itself, not thru the persons?/actors personlity or character that play in it or made it. I’m failing…Fundamental Cognitive Error be damned!

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  22. I just watched it.

    Truly unbelievable. I really don’t know what to say. So awful it’s almost comical.

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